ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
