Will you blow on my dice?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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