Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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