It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
