i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
