i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
