Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
