He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
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