I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
You brought string cheese to the strip club
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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