I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
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