One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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