I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
