My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Randomize
