i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
