Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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