The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
My dad is sitting where you rode me
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