All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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