My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Honestly there's alot of things I'm confused about the only thing I know for certain about last night is that I ate pizza
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
