Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Randomize
