i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
