If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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