I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
