yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
