you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
