I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
