we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
