Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
