True but thats because hes a fetus.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
