I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
