Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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