come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
