You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
