i will never coherently bang her
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It is not if she takes a guy home Karaoke night. It is how many.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
