where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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