Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
