this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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