I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
