I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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