i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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