i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Randomize
