Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
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