I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
