we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
