So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
