mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
one two three fourrrrnication!
GM filed for bankruptcy, all the dealerships closed, and it's june and I'm in jeans and a sweatshirt and I'm cold. What is the point of living in this state anymore?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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