I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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