wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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