she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
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