The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
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