Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
